Rogue River (2011) Frightfest Review

Torture and kidnap movies are a slowly waining sub-genre in the the current horror trends as we see a swing toward more supernatural flicks. There are still a fair few of them to be released from the indie circuit and ROGUE RIVER is one of these. A young woman sets off to scatter her fathers ashes and meets an unsavoury couple at the titular river. A simple premise and set up though there are a few nasty surprises along the way.

I do not think it is a spoiler to tell you that Bill Mosely is the bad guy in this piece nor do I think it was the film makers intention to hide that from you. Rather the journey from nice guy to psychopath is a newer path for Mosely, he's not an outright psycho from the get go for once, and ROGUE RIVER is not one of those movies out to re-write the rules of horror but one of those that shows you can still deliver a solid entertaining movie within the confines of expectation and you can play about with those confines a little to. Where I was expecting a bit of a dud I got a nice suprise from ROGUE RIVER at Frightfest where it was good to see most negative expectations overturned to a fairly positive response. It was nice to see a couple of psychos inhabit a clean and normal abode rather than a busted old farm house covere in skulls and skin lanterns.

ROGUE RIVER has a thoroughly nasty streak that I think deserves to be celebrated by more horror folks than have been giving this little indie love. I'm happy enough with half a hard on for this solid and a little depraved tale.

The Theatre Bizarre (2011) Frightfest Review

The combined forces of some of horrors more obscure directors should have guaranteed that THE THEATRE BIZARRE be something special and while it is certainly something unique and lives up to the promise of the bizarre part of it's title.

A welcome return to the screen by Richard Stanley is marred by a Doctor Who rubber monster and a variation on "The Hook" from American urban folklore. Karim Hussain does his best to disgust with a woman injecting other peoples eyeball fluid into her own but this pales compared to the directors SUBCONCIOUS CRUELTY and then closer SWEETS is a bright technicolour candyfloss nightmare. It's all a bit odd and a bit off and never gets into the groove of being a cohesive anthology as promised.

Spotty at best and bonkers at worst THE THEATRE BIZARRE is a floppy for Happy Horror Hard On.

Final Destination 5 (2011) Frightfest Review

It's popcorn carnage time as a group of no-name teen actors are trooped out once more to dice with death and the only way to survive is if they can only figure out the design in time.

Every FD film begins with a set piece and at last we get to see the bridge collapse that was planned and rejected for Part 4. It's a hell of a step up from the weak Indie Car escapade as people and vehicles fly off into the water and then we move swiftly on to each of their individual deaths. A new element has been factored in by writer Eric Hessiner and director Steven Quayle; if you kill someone then Death will skip you.

If you want character arcs, storyline and all the usual expectations for a developed and engaging film then don't buy a ticket for New Line Cinemas fifth entry in the teenage body count series. This is the noughties (and beyond) version of the ELM STREET sequels of the FRIDAY THE 13TH series. It has all become a bit of a joke but it's a bloody fun one as modern effects let's the creaters invent preposterously elaborate death sequences and for once most of them are not water based.

Full on hard on for FINAL DESTINATION 5.

Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark (2011) Frightfest Review

Ushered into existence by executive producer and co-writer Guillermo Del Toro the remake of DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK comes from an thirteen year old script that appears to be aimed at thirteen year olds.

Sally comes to stay with her Daddy Guy Pierce who is renovating what looks like the Disney HAUNTED MANSION ride, a colossal soundstage set house where you could stage an entire performance of THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA in the hall complete with audience and prop chandelier. Daddy also has a new girlfriend in Katie (she'll always be lovely Joey from Dawson's Creek to me) whom little Sally doesn't like but who is the only person to believe the girl when she starts seeing little spruces running out of the air ducts and murdering the house staff.

The story is mostly a predictable lump with dull first and second acts and reLly only coming into it's own in the final third of the film. Based on an hour long made for TV special there is a bit of padding out of the run time. Unfortunately Del Toro has already scavenged this script for his Tooth Fairies in HELLBOY 2 and parts of PAN'S LABYRINTH, specific the tree motif in the doors and murals, leaving DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK as another dull Hollywood clunker with schooled child performances and Guy Pierce turning up to hit the mark. Holmes does her squinty mouth worrying thing probably wondering where her part went.

Most odd of all why did the little girl who is meant to be Guy Pearce's daughter actually look like Holmes real daughter Suri?

It's a floppy for DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK I'm afraid.

Here's a picture of the lovely Mrs. Cruise anyway.

What's not at Frightfest?

As I prepare to leave for FILM 4 FRIGHTFEST in the morning I find myself pondering what films I'm not going to be seeing that I thought would be at Frightfest. This is NOT a negative Nelly post as there are plenty if treats in store and I'm willing to bet one film that I think'll be a stinker will end up being brilliant.

I'm suprised at LIVIDE not being at the fest. With the directors debut INSIDE being so embraced a few years ago i'd have thought it would have turned up this year. It is however showing at Midnight Madness at TIFF so maybe urns a contender for the Halloween all nighter.

11-11-11 Darren Lynn Bousmans Spanish lensed spookfest is tied into the titular release date so maybe it is not quite finished yet but I felt this was a sure in for Frightfest after his last MOTHERS DAY was well received at the Glasgow screening. I hop we get to see this in the UK on the proper date.

KNIGHTS OF BADASSDOM is simply not finished nor is REC 3 (hoping for a REC 3 and 4 double bill at Glasgow next year). Similarly I don't think THE TALL MAN is complete.

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2 was obviously pulled due to the BBFC refusing to give te work certification. More on that this weened from me...

There's no Asian horror this year at all. No Korean revengers, no Japanese splatterers but then these scenes are not at the forefront of horror ad they have been in past years.

THE THING is a glaring omission but who cares it looks like the same film re-made with dodgy accents.

RES STATE has run foul of Kevin Smiths eratoc and slightly paranoid behaviour which is such a shame because the Empire holds a bast complement of people who would love to see this film and would likely treat his presence with due reverence.

Anyway not to dwell on what is not to be it's time to look forward to five days of horror movies which will have its share of drinkers and future classiscs. I have a big hard on for Frightfest.

Something VILE for you

From that bit that tells you how people got to your blog I see someone was searching for the trailer for VILE. Sorry to disapoint but it's here now. this is at Frightfest. it looks a bit rubbish but you never know...

Underworld:Awakening not underwear arrousing

Looks like a return to business as usual for Screen Gems other no-brain action franchise. I can remember very little about the previous three, PVC suits and a big ship ring a bell, but at leasts Beckinsales back after her holiday from Part 3.

Interestingly Screen Gems have two female lead action horror series in RESIDENT EVIL and UNDERWORLD but stumble with the couple of Paul Bethany titles they've tried to get going.

Quarantine 2 Terminal (2011)

In the sequel to the remake writer and director John Pogue has abandoned the found footage style that has served the previous three films well. QUARANTINE 2 is shot in straight forward narrative fashion and progresses the American storyline that favours a super-virus over a supernatural cause for its crazed assailants. We are out of an apartment building and onto a aeroplane and an airport terminal with a mixed bunch of characters as panic and death sets in.

Straight forward and straight-to-DVD (again no UK Blu Ray) Q2:T doesn't forward the genre or the series/franchise but is a fairly passable entry in the crazed looney not zombies films of recent years. It is not a patch on REC 2 and I severely doubt we'll get to part 3 with the Quarantine off-shoot while the original Spanish movies rampage on to REC: GENESIS and REC: APOCALYPSE and hopefully the honour of being the greatest horror franchise ever.

I'll give Q2:T half a hard on. I'll also stop calling it Q2:T. And I proposed to the lead on Twitter. She said yes.

Happy Horror Hard On At World War Z

Glasgows George Sq has a very different set of traffic lights.











Anyone else been to the Greggs on !6th Street?

































































No one seemed to be paying attention to the banners overhead, a typical presence, but read them and you'll find yourself in Philidelphia.










































Can't find the GFT on here! How do I get to Frightfest?














Stunt car.







Chips!







Wouldn't take my First Week pass.





Oh no! I've heard their coverage is shit!
























Vistiors to the Corentian Club this weekend may find themselves standing for the national anthem. It will still be full of old slappers though.

Rise Of The Planet Apes (2011)

So I'm cheating, sue me. Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes is not horror. Nor were the preceding six movies but I like to stretch my genre parameters here at the Hard On. What you think i watch horror all the time.? I am a huge Planet Of The Apes fan but the trailer for this years obligatory franchise "reboot" left me a little cold. All I saw were action beats cribbed from I Robot.

Whether 20th Century Fox have deliberately played it well or not I cannot say but that trailer fails to show almost anything from the first hour and ten minutes it takes to build up to the third act summer blockbuster action fest finale.

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes is a brilliant piece of summer entertainment where director Rupert Wight and his writers, effects magicians and the incredible talented Andy Sirkas dare you to imagine that Christopher Nolan is not the only one who can deliver the big summer movie with smarts. The CGI on show is a tool not a toy expanding performances and lending the film adding layers of depth, emotion, character, it's a REAL movie made for a summer audience who could have imagined it?

Cleverly and unobtrusively laying down ground work for a sequel with a space mission sub plot so brief that if you blink you will miss it Fox, armed with next years Alien reboot/prequel/hybrid, are set to once more be king of the world whether it be a world of xenomorphs or a planet of apes.

Full on hard on and ejaculation for Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes. Go in Fox green light that sequel now!

Super 8 (2011)

Super 8 is a slice of Americana that non-Americans can enjoy through the filter of having seen movies set around a similar period. It is an attempt to do ET, THE GOONIES or THE EXPLORERS in a retro fashion but it cannot be these things. It is a period piece that references a continent to which I do not belong. It evokes memories of technology that did not grip Europe with the same fevour as it did the West. It is also 3 films, the Stand By Me wannabe, the alien invasion movie and the one that tries to jam these two pieces together.

For a film that relies on its young actors chemistry the story does not spend enough time with their characters nor does it let them develop. The periphery characters are reduced to being the kid that vomits and the kid that blows stuff up. There are no early scenes giving us an insight into this. Think THE GOONIES and how Data, Mouth, Chunk and Mikey are introduced with their relevant "skills" and attributes for the plot. The conclusive feel good scene for Super 8 falls down as our lead has had no interaction with the creature for it to have any meaning and resolutions seem tagged on and hurried. These are all simple structure points that any novice screenwriter will be able to recite to you verbatim. The feeling is the script that Abrahms wante to make was suffocated by the one the studio wanted him to make.

I did not hate Super 8 and now I can understand its European release delay as it's all about being a little kid in America in 1979/80. Which is still likely of minor interest to today's American 13/14 year olds also shown by the low box-office performance of JJ Abrams monster movie. I would point viewers toward Joe Johnstons brilliant October Sky if you want to see a copy of Speilbergburbia that feels like it has some weight behind it.

Half a hard on for Super 8.

Cold Sweat (2010)

Do you ever have a lull in your love for horror movies? A time where you just can't seem to catch a good movie for love nor money no matter what obscure corner you search? This tends to happen for me during the drudgery of superhero summer where distributors are saving their horror releases for the Autum/Halloween season.

From Argentina comes Cold Sweat (Sudor Frio in its native tongue) by cheap exploration director Adrian Garcia Bogliano and it has saved my summer. In fact this could be my favourite horror movie of the year!

Bogliano's premise is simple enough, two old facists entrap young people in their old building. So far, so torture porn. These old men however are specially trained torturers using a variation of chemicals to carry out their dastardly deeds. The one in particular that the film focuses on is Nitroglycerin, the liquid you get from dynamite. These guys like to cover people in it. Which means they can explode under a number of stresses to their body or environment, heat, movement etc.

Bogliano's production, like many of his gore hound colleagues in the Argintinian underground horror scene, has stepped right up even further away from the home made scene he spearheaded and Cold Sweat ushers in a new era for Argintinian produced horror. The film wastes no time getting to it's premise this truly is made for it's audience. For those missing HOSTEL or SAW there is a LOT of fun to be had in Cold Sweat.

Full on hard on and ejaculation all over the place for Cold Sweat.

Blind Alley

Oh I fancy this one. Woman trapped in a laundrette by a psycho. Spanish language from the writer of The Devils Backbone (which is a better Spanish Civil War film than it was a ghost story in my opinion which is a recommendation). Keeping my erogenous zones prepped for this one.

Happy Horor Half Way

As we're halfway through the year I thought I'd reflect on my favourite genre releases so far, a list that will no doubt change under the influence of this years Frightfest line-up.

KIDNAPPED - harrowing, grim and technical brilliance.

TROLL HUNTER - found footage gem.

TUCKER AND DALE VS EVIL - hilarious horror cliche reversal

DRIVE ANGRY - super hot American exploration vehicle.

I SAW THE DEVIL - no one does revenge quite like Korea.

RUBBER - bonkers and brilliant.

VICTIMS - director Bryant is set to be big.

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN - hilarious and ludicrous.

SUPER - kicked KICK-ASS ass. Like a Troma flick from a good director.

INSIDIOUS - unexpected fun rather than scary.

CHECKPOINT aka TERRITORIES - French production in English bleak and real.

MONSTERS - it slipped put on limited release on Boxing Day '10 but this is simply the best genre film of the year for me!

SUCKERPUNCH - not sexy? Idiots. Fantastic CGI with hotties in underwear.

PHASE 7 - brilliant and darkly humourless end of the world tale with a storming John Carpenter style soundtrack.

Looking at that and with still many more to come I think my year end list could breach 20 films or more!

Frightfest 2011 films announced

So here we go here are the 2011 Film 4 Frightfest films for the August Event:


PROGRAMME – SCREEN 1

THURSDAY 25 AUGUST 2011
18:30 DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK (UK Premiere)
100 mins Director Troy Nixey Australia 2011

21:15 FINAL DESTINATION 5 3D (UK Premiere)
95 mins Director: Steven Quale USA 2011

23:30 THE THEATRE BIZARRE (European Premiere)
108 mins Directors: Richard Stanley, Tom Savini, Douglas Buck, Karim Hussain, Buddy Giovinazzo, Jeremy Kasten, David Gregory USA/France 2011

FRIDAY 26 AUGUST 2011
10:40 ROGUE RIVER (UK Premiere)
90 mins Director: Jourdan McClure USA 2010

12:45 THE HOLDING (World Premiere)
90 mins Director: Susan Jacobson UK 2011

15:05 The Total Film Interview: Larry Fessenden in conversation with Jamie Graham

Plus - American Horror: A Panel Discussion
90 mins

17:00 URBAN EXPLORERS (UK Premiere)
88 mins Director: Andy Fetscher Germany 2011

19:05 THE GLASS MAN (World Premiere)
120 mins Director: Cristian Solimeno UK 2011

21:55 TUCKER & DALE VS. EVIL (London Preview)
86 mins Director: Eli Craig USA 2010

23:55 VILE (World Premiere)
88 mins Director: Taylor Sheridan USA 2011

SATURDAY 27 AUGUST 2011
11:00 TROLL HUNTER (Preview)
99 mins Director: Andre Ovredal Norway 2010

13:15 THE WICKER TREE (European Premiere)
90 mins Director: Robin Hardy UK 2011

15:35 PANIC BUTTON (World Premiere)
95 mins Director: Chris Crow UK 2011

18:00 FRIGHT NIGHT 3D (Preview)
120 mins Director: Chris Gillespie USA 2011

21:00 THE WOMAN (UK Premiere)
100 mins Director: Lucky McKee USA 2011

23:30 CHILLERAMA (European Premiere)
115 mins Directors: Adam Rifkin, Tim Sullivan, Adam Green, Joe Lynch USA 2011

SUNDAY 28 AUGUST 2011
10:30 THE DIVIDE (Preview)
110 mins Director: Xavier Gens USA 2011

13:00 THE HORROR CHANNEL PRESENTS THE SHORT FILM SHOWCASE

+ ANDY NYMAN’S QUIZ FROM HELL 2

16:00 THE INNKEEPERS (UK Premiere)
102 mins Director: Ti West USA 2011

18:35 SAINT (UK Premiere)
85 mins Director: Dick Maas The Netherlands - 2010

20:50 KILL LIST (UK Premiere) – SPONSORED BY TOTAL FILM
90 mins Director: Ben Wheatley UK 2011

23:30 DETENTION (UK Premiere)
93 mins Director: Joseph Kahn USA 2011

MONDAY 29 AUGUST 2011
10:45 GUINEA PIGS (World Premiere)
90 mins Director: Ian Clark UK 2011

13:10 DEADHEADS (UK Premiere)
90 mins Directors: Brett Pierce, Drew T. Pierce USA 2011

15:30 SENNENTUNTSCHI: CURSE OF THE ALPS (UK Premiere)
110 mins Director: Michael Steiner Switzerland 2010

18:30 INBRED (World Premiere)
95 mins Director: Alex Chandon UK 2011

21:00 A LONELY PLACE TO DIE (UK Premiere)
98 mins Director: Julian Gilbey UK 2011



PROGRAMME – DISCOVERY SCREEN

FRIDAY 26 AUGUST 2011
10:35 THE MAN WHO SAW FRANKENSTEIN CRY (UK Premiere)
75 mins Director: Angel Agudo Spain 2010

12:30 A HORRIBLE WAY TO DIE (Preview)
95 mins Director: Adam Wingard USA 2010

15:00 MIDNIGHT SON (UK premiere)
95 mins Director: Scott Leberecht USA 2011

17:15 RABIES (Preview)
90 mins Directors: Aharon Keshales, Navot Papushado Israel 2010

19:30 BLOOD RUNS COLD (UK Premiere)
80 mins Director: Sonny Laguna Sweden 2011

21:30 KIDNAPPED (London Preview)
85 mins Director: Miguel Angel Vivas Spain 2011

23:30 STORMHOUSE (London Preview)
88 mins Director: Dan Turner UK 2011

SATURDAY 27 AUGUST 2011
10:30 THE DEAD (Special Event)
90 mins Directors: Howard J. Ford & Jon Ford UK 2010

13:00 ATROCIOUS (UK Premiere)
75 mins Director: Fernando Barreda Luna Spain 2010

15:30 MY SUCKY TEEN ROMANCE (European Premiere)
80 mins Director: Emily Hagins USA 2011

18:00 THE CALLER (London Preview)
88 mins Director: Matthew Parkhill USA 2011

21:05 THE DEVIL’S BUSINESS (World Premiere)
75 mins Director: Sean Hogan UK 2011

23:00 A HORRIBLE WAY TO DIE

SUNDAY 28 AUGUST 2011
11:15 KIDNAPPED

13:15 RABIES

16:15 BLOOD RUNS COLD

18:45 MIDNIGHT SON
PROGRAMME – SCREEN 1

THURSDAY 25 AUGUST 2011
18:30 DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK (UK Premiere)
100 mins Director Troy Nixey Australia 2011

21:15 FINAL DESTINATION 5 3D (UK Premiere)
95 mins Director: Steven Quale USA 2011

23:30 THE THEATRE BIZARRE (European Premiere)
108 mins Directors: Richard Stanley, Tom Savini, Douglas Buck, Karim Hussain, Buddy Giovinazzo, Jeremy Kasten, David Gregory USA/France 2011

FRIDAY 26 AUGUST 2011
10:40 ROGUE RIVER (UK Premiere)
90 mins Director: Jourdan McClure USA 2010

12:45 THE HOLDING (World Premiere)
90 mins Director: Susan Jacobson UK 2011

15:05 The Total Film Interview: Larry Fessenden in conversation with Jamie Graham

Plus - American Horror: A Panel Discussion
90 mins

17:00 URBAN EXPLORERS (UK Premiere)
88 mins Director: Andy Fetscher Germany 2011

19:05 THE GLASS MAN (World Premiere)
120 mins Director: Cristian Solimeno UK 2011

21:55 TUCKER & DALE VS. EVIL (London Preview)
86 mins Director: Eli Craig USA 2010

23:55 VILE (World Premiere)
88 mins Director: Taylor Sheridan USA 2011

SATURDAY 27 AUGUST 2011
11:00 TROLL HUNTER (Preview)
99 mins Director: Andre Ovredal Norway 2010

13:15 THE WICKER TREE (European Premiere)
90 mins Director: Robin Hardy UK 2011

15:35 PANIC BUTTON (World Premiere)
95 mins Director: Chris Crow UK 2011

18:00 FRIGHT NIGHT 3D (Preview)
120 mins Director: Chris Gillespie USA 2011

21:00 THE WOMAN (UK Premiere)
100 mins Director: Lucky McKee USA 2011

23:30 CHILLERAMA (European Premiere)
115 mins Directors: Adam Rifkin, Tim Sullivan, Adam Green, Joe Lynch USA 2011

SUNDAY 28 AUGUST 2011
10:30 THE DIVIDE (Preview)
110 mins Director: Xavier Gens USA 2011

13:00 THE HORROR CHANNEL PRESENTS THE SHORT FILM SHOWCASE

+ ANDY NYMAN’S QUIZ FROM HELL 2

16:00 THE INNKEEPERS (UK Premiere)
102 mins Director: Ti West USA 2011

18:35 SAINT (UK Premiere)
85 mins Director: Dick Maas The Netherlands - 2010

20:50 KILL LIST (UK Premiere) – SPONSORED BY TOTAL FILM
90 mins Director: Ben Wheatley UK 2011

23:30 DETENTION (UK Premiere)
93 mins Director: Joseph Kahn USA 2011

MONDAY 29 AUGUST 2011
10:45 GUINEA PIGS (World Premiere)
90 mins Director: Ian Clark UK 2011

13:10 DEADHEADS (UK Premiere)
90 mins Directors: Brett Pierce, Drew T. Pierce USA 2011

15:30 SENNENTUNTSCHI: CURSE OF THE ALPS (UK Premiere)
110 mins Director: Michael Steiner Switzerland 2010

18:30 INBRED (World Premiere)
95 mins Director: Alex Chandon UK 2011

21:00 A LONELY PLACE TO DIE (UK Premiere)
98 mins Director: Julian Gilbey UK 2011



PROGRAMME – DISCOVERY SCREEN

FRIDAY 26 AUGUST 2011
10:35 THE MAN WHO SAW FRANKENSTEIN CRY (UK Premiere)
75 mins Director: Angel Agudo Spain 2010

12:30 A HORRIBLE WAY TO DIE (Preview)
95 mins Director: Adam Wingard USA 2010

15:00 MIDNIGHT SON (UK premiere)
95 mins Director: Scott Leberecht USA 2011

17:15 RABIES (Preview)
90 mins Directors: Aharon Keshales, Navot Papushado Israel 2010

19:30 BLOOD RUNS COLD (UK Premiere)
80 mins Director: Sonny Laguna Sweden 2011

21:30 KIDNAPPED (London Preview)
85 mins Director: Miguel Angel Vivas Spain 2011

23:30 STORMHOUSE (London Preview)
88 mins Director: Dan Turner UK 2011

SATURDAY 27 AUGUST 2011
10:30 THE DEAD (Special Event)
90 mins Directors: Howard J. Ford & Jon Ford UK 2010

13:00 ATROCIOUS (UK Premiere)
75 mins Director: Fernando Barreda Luna Spain 2010

15:30 MY SUCKY TEEN ROMANCE (European Premiere)
80 mins Director: Emily Hagins USA 2011

18:00 THE CALLER (London Preview)
88 mins Director: Matthew Parkhill USA 2011

21:05 THE DEVIL’S BUSINESS (World Premiere)
75 mins Director: Sean Hogan UK 2011

23:00 A HORRIBLE WAY TO DIE

SUNDAY 28 AUGUST 2011
11:15 KIDNAPPED

13:15 RABIES

16:15 BLOOD RUNS COLD

18:45 MIDNIGHT SON

21:15 THE MAN WHO SAW FRANKENSTEIN CRY

MONDAY 29 AUGUST 2011
11:00 THE CALLER

13:00 THE DEVIL’S BUSINESS

15:45 ATROCIOUS

18:35 MY SUCKY TEEN ROMANCE
21:15 THE MAN WHO SAW FRANKENSTEIN CRY

MONDAY 29 AUGUST 2011
11:00 THE CALLER

13:00 THE DEVIL’S BUSINESS

15:45 ATROCIOUS

18:35 MY SUCKY TEEN ROMANCE

An amendment has been made to the line-up. Guinea Pogs will not be completed in time for the festival and will be replaced by another VeryigobFos production A NIGHT IN THE WOODS.

Troll Hunter

So it's one of those fake documentry movies but the schtick this time is a crew in pursuit of the truth behind a series of bear attacks on the Norwegian border with Russia. They smell a goverent conspiracy and uncover the secret work of, well the titles a spoiler already, a troll hunter and begin to film him as he educated them on the various breeds of troll witnessing some of the facinafing beasts along the way.

It's the found footage film of the year! So goes the hype but does TROLL HUNTER live up to it's reputation? Oh yes. Happy Horror Hard On is very happy indeed at this Norfic mash-up of THE BLAIR WITCH HUNT (obligatory mention) and Scandanavian folklore. If you do not like "found footage" flicks then you're all ready lost to the cause but if you do you'll find a gem in this film. It maybe could do with a little trimming of the fat in some places just to zip along faster but the troll effects are great and a lot of fun.

Already touted for a remake by Chris Colombus for people who don't read subtitles too well it's a full on hairy troll hard on for TROLL HUNTER.

Shadow

Set along a mountain cycling path, called The Shadow, this Italian lenses horror features badly dubbed Brit psychopath stalking a soon to return to Afghanistan soldier an the attractive female he meets along the way before all of them, good bad or indifferent stumble into the lair of the cover character and everything goes a bit HOSTEL/SAW.

Despite the backing of Film 4 Frightfest to release SHADOW in the UK spurned along by their positive reviews the movie itself is actually quite derivative and dull. There was definitely hints at the possibilities of a technicolour overload and screaming rock score that graced many Italian films of the past but, if you will excuse the pun, this is a pale shadow of those visual and auditory nightmares SUSPIRIA and INFERNO. The lacklustre "torture porn" or "backwoods survival" element of the story hampers the movie form being the twisted tale that lead villain Mortis should inhabit. And THAT ending, let's just say I've had enough of that ending sometime ago it's not big or clever anymore and has been done better before.

Floppy.

Hatchet II

Back to the swamp time as the legend of Victor Crowley further expands in Adam Greens second splatterfest HATCHET II. Lead Marybeth is recast with HALLOWEEN starlet Danielle Harris and the cast is plumped out with Tony Todd taking onore than a cameo in fact his character has ulterior motives behind entering the backwoods to Marybeth avenge her family against the belt sander wielding swamp ghost.

You know I want to love this and i want to love the original but I just don't. I find both films pretty sub-par in terms of script, acting, production and general horrorishness. Now Adam Green has made two superb films with SPIRAL and my favourite horror film of 2010 FROZEN and though I get what HATCHET is about I'm just not into it. I thought it might be an age thing but I like the new NIGHT OF THE DEMONS and all it's over the top silliness so maybe it's not that at all.

Floppy for HATCHET II even though it does star the gorgeous Danielle Harris.

Frightfest 2011

July 1st is a big day for me because I'm going to find out all of the films playing at this years Film 4 Frightfest in that there London. So my little perverted horror fueled mind is already pondering what delightful, demented and probably down tight awful treats we'll see this year.

DETENTION

THE INNKEEPERS

SLEEP TIGHT

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2 has been refused a UK certificate but could this be appealed in time for Frightfest?

RABIES

PHASE 7

STORMHOUSE

SECTOR 7

MIDNIGHT SON

LIVID

18

THE GLASS MAN (Andy Nyman's in it this must be as close to a sure thing as you get)

INBRED

KILL LIST

HAEBUS CORPUS

KNIGHTS OF BADASSDOM

THE TALL MAN

OUTPOST 2

Already confirmed are DON't BE AFRAID OF THE DARK and A LONELY PLACE TO DIE as well as the brilliant TROLLHUNTER though this one had played out at a number of festivals and select performances already. Rumours have it that this is a British horror year which counts out a vast amount of my predictions.


I assume the annoying Discovery Screen will return, why not include some of these films in the main programme if they're that good? I don't like the idea that i miss out on films that I would likely want to see.

Vanishing On 7th Street

Brad Anderson has been quietly working away in the horror and thriller genre with SESSION 9, THE MACHINIST and TRANSSIBERIA and making a good name for himself but this film is a total misstep. It is unengaging and reliant on character cliches and eventually just goes no where. Anderson could so easily be one of horrors top directors, he still is really, and I respect his independent spirit just like Lucky McKee and Ti West but after walking away from The Crazies re-make that could have cemented his a commercial prospect it is dishearting to see such a forgettable film from a good damn director.

Happy Horror Hard On has a total floppy at VANISHING ON 7TH STREET.

Horror This Weekend

The biggest horror this weekend is that EVERYONE will flock like gulls around mouldy bread to see THE HANGOVER PART II. I have nothing against sequels but even the lacklustre ad campaigns reek of originality. Many people I know are planning on seeing this movie and many if them will gleefully tell me how much they loved it and sure it's not as good as the original and I'm a film snob and think I know everything about films and you know what, it won't be their fault.

I avoided the first film for quite a while as most modern gross-out comedy disappoints me but when undid get around to seeing it in Sky I really liked it but I KNOW they can't do this again without doing something different. Changing the location does my work and acknowledging that "we did it again" does not work for me. The film makers have let everyone down and the money you'll give them only rewards this.

I'm sure everyone who enjoys PART II on opening weekend will find it hollow and disappointing once they but the DVD or watch it again in a years time but for me the horror to experience is to watch people allow themselves to be cajoled into this and then gloating at me about it. Fine I'll be watching my BLACK SWAN blu ray.

Primal

I've heard many opinions that Australia's PRIMAL is brutal and brilliant but I'm here to reveal that it is in fact utter balls. It doles out horror cliches and baffling character motives like it's amateur hour seemingly only the cinematographer had a clue what he was doing because the writing, direction, editing and effects are just crap. And even at that he/she is only getting credit for not making this look like it was a shot on video number which most of the rest of the production seems to suggest. There's one sequence, a few minutes in a runtime of under 90, that has some horror quality that when the lead squealing female is trapped in the truck and the muscular lead, now eviled up, stalks aound it. It's nothing spectacular but does highlight that PRIMAL could have been a tense, dark THE DESCENT style horror flick instead of the crazy and outright sloppy derivative drivel on offer. I hoped for THE RUINS not a ruin.

This film had left me with such a hard off that I think it's disappeared into an innie!

Insidious

James Wan and Leigh Whanell are the names responsible for the first SAW film which spawned a monster a seven year annual Halloween ride that twisted and turned and ate its own tail as disparate pieces came together to make a whole. Meanwhile Wan had gone in to make DEAD SILENCE and the Death Wish-lite DEATH SENTENCE which did not meet the same acclaim.

A young family struggle with moving house, a haunting, their sons mysterious coma like illness and another move to escape the ghosts that disturb the stay at home mom throughout the day and the teasing of the father by entities unknown through the night. As the hauntings continue even after the move the family seek help from a group of paranormal investigators and learn about the world that lies beyond our own.

INSIDIOUS comes at horror from the DRAG ME TO HELL angle, fun in tone with echos of DEAD SILENCE The sound is suped up to provide jarring orchestral stings and nerve shredding high pitched strings and most of the story is a quirky and fun take on demons, possession and astral projection. The first half of the movie is your standard Hollywood ghost story, a family in a new home, ghost figures walking the corridors or standing in corners and half heard voices. It is in the second half that the film takes a shift toward the weird and is all the better for it. Whannel and Shaye's arrival change the tone and offer the two best performances in the movie. A crazy seance and a journey into the dark and surreal other reality The Further are the freshest and most original parts of the film though ends up in a JEEPERS CREEPERS/NEW NIGHTMARE influenced demon lair. Wan films lot of his sequences from just behind his subject forcing the viewer into journeying along with the character and leaving us wondering what is lurking just out of frame but undoes this work with a jolting musical sting. The movie may scare and excite people first time through but on repeat viewings this will wear off leaving the watcher to decide if the off-kilter journey into The Further is for them or not.

Produced on $1.5 afforded to the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY producers after the success of their low budget feature INSIDIOUS is a creator controlled property that may not live up to its hype but is certainly more successful, certainly in box office takings having already accrued receipts of $30 million, than more expensive horror films that are bloating up theatres. The lesson here is keep it cheap and take a risk.

Half a hard on.

Scre4m

It's been eleven years since the last SCREAM sequel and it's been eleven years of rumours and speculation about a fourth instalment of the popular "post-modern slasher" that poked a little fun at the very genre it re-invigerated. And finally it's here; the return of the ghost faced killer, the creepy phone voice along with Sydney, Gale and Dewey and director Wes Craven even original screenwriter Kevin Williamson.

Coming back to where we first met her Sidney Prescott is facing the demons of her past by writing a book about her experiences and kicking off the book tour in her home town of Woodsboro. Much to her publicists delight another killing spree begins on the anniversary of the original killings and now Sherrif Dewey and his wife Gale Riley-Weathers are on hand to help solve the who-dunnit hopefully before a new generation of teens are dispatched to am early grave.

Sure the edge has gotten a little blunt but SCRE4M seems more like a replacement for SCREAM 3 than the start of a new trilogy following the story of the meta-franchise STAB by returning to Woodsboro and there are enough Willamson moments shining through to almost but not quite get the series back on track. The story juggles too many balls, it seems
too afraid to get near to any of the new characters in case it gives away its killer resulting in not giving them much to do with Hayden Panitterre being the most likable, engaging character. Dewey, Gale and Sidney suffer a bit too there's just not enough room in this format to fill us in on all their lives so we get quick snippets instead which leaves the feeling of being slightly cheated and looking for more. We also get a "kooky gadget", a theme that can be noticed in many of Cravens movies, the perfectly live streaming internet cameras that you could never get to work in addition to the Ghostface app that makes everyone's voice sound the same though we no longer have the incredible ability to copy anyone's voice a heinously silly misstep in SCREAM 3.

All the while the characters muse over horror cinema, they talk about SAW and they have a good bash at horror remakes, which ends up being a bit cheeky as the finale of SCRE4M really does set itself up to be a real life remake of the original, but the films too busy being about the business of being a SCREAM movie that it forgets to actually be scary or suspenseful despite drawing several allusions to Hitchcock films with characters named Marnie, Anthony Perkins and posters and mentions of Rear Window all over the place.

It seems that the fate of Dimension Films and its future productions lies in the hands of the stab happy series and maybe the executives got a little nervy about the quirky aspects of Williamson's script which is why there was widely reported re-writes from part 3 scripture Ehren Krueger and an out of court settlement with original producer Cathy Konrad and while the result is an acceptable entertainment for ninety or so minutes perhaps the overmanagement of the material has restricted the film from really achieving and ultimately diminished the possibility of restocking the Weinstein coffers.

Will we see S5REAM and 6CREAM? It seems money more than time will tell.

Half a hard on.

Cold Prey 3

Set in the late 80s, evident by the Mel & Kim on the soundtrack and the bright yellow sports Walkman, COLD PREY III returns us to Norway, without any snow this time, and a group of early-twenty somethings seeking out a hotel that has become infamous for a set of gruesome murders. Of course we the viewer already know about this particular hotel, its history and who resides there all year round.

One of the girls changes her mind and the group end up camping out doors but that does not exempt them from coming to the attention of a certain parka wearing psychopath.

There is no real originality in the Cold Prey series and yet this Norwegian slasher franchise has brought more class to the scene than any other franchise I can think of recently. This prequel brings to mind the first entry in the WRONG TURN series and sets itself up as COLD PREY: THE BEGINNING and whilst not ground breaking offers the same quality cinematography and less cliched plot but it is always going to be undone by knowing what comes along next in the story/the original COLD PREY. Essentially a Norwegian variation on the Friday The 13th model I would put my neck out there and say I'd rather watch any of the 3 CP movies over a Jason film anyday.

Semi-erect.

Drive Angry 3D

Drive Angry is about a bad ass chick, who is hotter than the sun, a bad ass grandfather who has escaped the clutches of Hell, literally, in order to avenge the death of his daughter and rescue his grandchild while being persued by the harass Accoutant who is none less than the Devils right hand man. This film is, well badass is just not good enough to describe it.

Sadly Drive Angry has gone the way of Grindhouse and made no money. It seems the online community who rapidly devout themselves to following the development of this sort of movie are just not strong enough to sustain the box office of this sort of movie. It is a sad fact that we truly are at the mercy of those who would rather spend money on watching dull, impotent and repetitive movies made by multiple choice and commitee rather than something with balls and talent and, yeah, more than a little whacked.

It's plain fun and Nic "I Seem To Be REALLY Fuckin' Crazy Like In REAL Life" Cage belongs in this sort o arena even though William Ficthner steals the damn(ed) show and you can barely peel your eyes off the just outright stunning Amber Heard.

Full on hard on and ejaculation.

Hobo With A Shotgun

Jason Eisner won the SXSW competition to have his grindhouse style trailer featured in some territories as part of the GRINDHOUSE package. Now Eisner gets to expand that wonderful exploitation trailer into the film that never was.

The premise is simple enough, Rudger Hauer is the titular down and out who comes to town a rather fucked up almost post-apocalyptic Nova Scotia where he is trying to mind his own business and gather up a few bucks to buy a lawnmower and earn an honest living but this dis-honest town won't let him. From the broadcast "bumfights" in the street to the wanton prostitution and drug dealing this hobo has had enough so he buys a shotgun...

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN is a wack job of a movie and a delightful one at that. Eisner is more of the generation of crappy VHS movies than grindhouse cinema and the garish colours and pulsating synthised soundtrack testify to this as much as the inclusion of 80's action star Rudger Hauer. Shooting in his home town of Nova Scotia invokes a totally different world than the LA and Hollywood scenes we are used to seeing on the big screen and lends HOBO that home made feel like in Rodriguez EL MARIACHI. Troma style gore and the inclusion of the bizarre bounty hunter team The Plague who look like a set of Doctor Who villains take this ode to movies gone by down a route that Happy Horror Hard On never expected.








It's a fun movie if you are sick, twisted and abnormal, which we all are.

A semi-erection for HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN.

Mothers Day

The Koffin boys (terrible name) have robbed a bank (I think you never see it happen) and one of their number has been shot. Mortally wounded the boys retreat to their mothers house where they find it occupies by an up and coming young couple and their friends. The unhinged young men seize control and being in their cool and calculate mother to deal with the situation. As a remake of the Troma realeased original this home invasion thriller turns away from the comedic backwoods slasher in favour of a more modern type of horror film.

MOTHERS DAY is a movie with problems. The scenes are disjointed, the geography of the house puzzling. There's too many characters to cover and control and no real threat to feel as people just stand about waiting on action to unfold in other parts of the room. Many of the shocks are quite tame in relation to some of the envelope pushing we have seen in recent horror flicks. There are strengths, Rebecca Di Mornay's performance is great but even she is left walking up and down stairs to carry out conversations and Briana Evigan always meets Happy Horro Hard On's approval.

As a big Darren Lynn Bousman fan (I feel he did just as much to establish the formula of SAW than Leigh Whannel and James Wan did) I was disappointed that MOTHER'S DAY did not work for me. The majority of other viewers at the Frightfest screening enjoyed the movie a lot so Happy Horror Hard In will return to the movie on its he media release and see if the lay of the lam changes from that perspective.

In the mean time it is a floppy for MOTHERS DAY.

Territories (Checkpoint)

Returning to the States from a friends wedding in Canada a car full of young friends runs into trouble with the border patrol. Two unforgiving cops subject them to a rather aggressive stop and search resulting in the inevitable drug find and the shocking unprovoked shooting of one of the group. The night of misery does not end there as the two cops are revealed to be imposters and the group find themselves interned in a replica of Guantanamo Bay and it's now infamous torture techniques. it may not be the most subtle political statement made by a horror movie but it certainly serves as a sharp reminder of humanities misguided attempts to maintain the status qui by harming others.

TERRITORIES carries a French pedigree with it's director and production team as well as being a Canadian/French co-production and despite its lack of subtitles it very much belongs in the grim bleak ouvre of French horror with some nasty extreme torture sequences and an unconventional narrative approach where the third act is almost an entirely different film. The film makers also adopt an unusual approach to the deaths of the characters as one by one they are forgotten about and they slip from memory. Sometimes people are just forgotten about and that may be a tough selling point to those who do not like ambiguity in a movie.

Brutal, bleak and quite brilliant the only proviso I would ask for when Arrow Video release this in the UK is please do not change the title to CHECKPOINT I'm still annoyed at SWITCHBLADE ROMANCE!

Full on hard on for TERRITORIES.

Rubber

Yes it is a killer tire movie. Yes it is from the director of the Flat Eric/puppet Levi adverts. Yes i don't think there is anything else out there quite like this. Yes i love it and it is cemented in my top five films for the year end.

RUBBER opens with a hilarious intoductory speech from one of the principle characters, the town sheriff, who explains that what you are about to see happens for no reason and needs no reason. What follows is a meta-feature that is more than flavoured with ingredients from Spike Jonze and Michael Gondry. A car tire rises out of the dump and begins to roll through an unnamed desert. As he encounters obsticles, bottles, insects, humans, the tire becomes increasingly aggressive and develops psychic powers using them to explode heads.

The whole film is rich in silliness and cool with style. Its strength comes from taking a serious art approach rather than spoofery with slick photography and sonorous sound design which results in a peculiar and brilliant little oddity.

Full on hard on and ejaculation!

Machete Maidens Unleashed

From the guy who did NOT QUITE HOLLYWOOD comes another documentry about genre and ezplottion filma this time concentrating on the Fillipino made films of Roger Corman's New World Pictures and the hundreds of woman in jepordy films that came out in the 70s.

It is a talking head documentry with Roger Corman, John Landis, Joe Dante, Pam Grier, Jack Hill and many many more ofering insights into a crazy gung-ho era of film making where tita and ass were used to sell tickeys and the Philipines were a cheap sourxe of government sponsered labour.

From the Markos regime stoppimg by at the making of Apocalypse Now and ending up with the short story of Weng Weng the Philipines "biggest" star director Mark Hately once more delves into the thick of it the only crticism that the subject matter is not as deep and varied as that of the history of Australian explotation.

Semi-erect.

I Saw The Devil

The Korean trend for dark and violent drama continues with Kim (THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE WEIRD) Ji Woo bringing the OLD BOY Choi Min Sik himself into a serial killer film with a very different skew.

After the murder of the Police chief daughter her fiancé Kim Soo Yuen, a member of the Chief's protection staff, begins a hunt for her killer narrowing the suspects down to four men who have been involved in or suspected of similar crimes. When he does find his man he engages in an unusual game of cat and mouse or more like catch and release. Without the aid of some nifty GPS and bugging devices he is able to track the sick killer and stop him every time he tries to rape or kill again. Each time leaves the killer injured but let's him go persistently following and interfering with him until can take no more and has to find a way to fight back.

South Korean cinema is a hotbed of talent at the moment and for those seeking dark and intelligent horror and drama this is the place to go. I SAW THE THE DEVIL is violent and brutal which cause it some censorship problems in it's homeland but director Kim Ji Woo uses violence to equally express the ultimate frustration of seeking vengeance against those who have wronged as well as using it as a tool to keep the audience on edge and squirming in their seats. Also present is that dark stream of humour that has been observed in recent South Korean films such as THE HOST or MOTHER. It is not used to spoof or undermine the plot and the darkness at the heart of the movie but it does give I SAW THE DEVIL a disturbing grounding in reality

Glorious cinematography, pitch perfect performances and a smart script mean that I SAW THE DEVIL is a real contender for film of the year and we're only at February.

A full on errection and ejaculation for I SAW THE DEVIL.

Little Deaths

Brit horror (Grit horror?) anthology Little Deaths plays with the subject of sex and sexual practices in three short form narratives from three independant UK film makers.

Conceived by writer/directors Sean (LIE STILL) Hogan, Andrew (I, ZOMBIE) Parkinson and Simon (RED, WHITE AND BLUE) Rumley over a pint or two after knowing each other from the film festival circuit and produced on a low budget the trio of stories, HOUSE & HOME, MUTANT TOOL and BITCH take three different slants on horror and push at boundaries that need to be pushed at. Within the first story we are treated to a woman being jissed on (ejaculated on for those outside the UK), pissed on and nipples beimg severed. following that we get a giant spunk dribbling cock and not to be out down the third tale had a man wearing a dog mask being banged up the arse (ass) by his girlfriemd wearing a strap on. Your usual night out to the pictutres this ain't.

Equal parts intelligent dark drama (Rumley), exploitative Henenlotter (Parkinson) and torture porny (Hogan) LITTLE DEATHS is a slap to the face for the viewer and the best use of the anthology format since THE SIGNAL.

Now i am aware that the scoring system for this blog os a little ironic considering the amount of cock on show in this film but still: a full on hard on.