Final Destination 5 (2011) Frightfest Review

It's popcorn carnage time as a group of no-name teen actors are trooped out once more to dice with death and the only way to survive is if they can only figure out the design in time.

Every FD film begins with a set piece and at last we get to see the bridge collapse that was planned and rejected for Part 4. It's a hell of a step up from the weak Indie Car escapade as people and vehicles fly off into the water and then we move swiftly on to each of their individual deaths. A new element has been factored in by writer Eric Hessiner and director Steven Quayle; if you kill someone then Death will skip you.

If you want character arcs, storyline and all the usual expectations for a developed and engaging film then don't buy a ticket for New Line Cinemas fifth entry in the teenage body count series. This is the noughties (and beyond) version of the ELM STREET sequels of the FRIDAY THE 13TH series. It has all become a bit of a joke but it's a bloody fun one as modern effects let's the creaters invent preposterously elaborate death sequences and for once most of them are not water based.

Full on hard on for FINAL DESTINATION 5.

Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark (2011) Frightfest Review

Ushered into existence by executive producer and co-writer Guillermo Del Toro the remake of DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK comes from an thirteen year old script that appears to be aimed at thirteen year olds.

Sally comes to stay with her Daddy Guy Pierce who is renovating what looks like the Disney HAUNTED MANSION ride, a colossal soundstage set house where you could stage an entire performance of THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA in the hall complete with audience and prop chandelier. Daddy also has a new girlfriend in Katie (she'll always be lovely Joey from Dawson's Creek to me) whom little Sally doesn't like but who is the only person to believe the girl when she starts seeing little spruces running out of the air ducts and murdering the house staff.

The story is mostly a predictable lump with dull first and second acts and reLly only coming into it's own in the final third of the film. Based on an hour long made for TV special there is a bit of padding out of the run time. Unfortunately Del Toro has already scavenged this script for his Tooth Fairies in HELLBOY 2 and parts of PAN'S LABYRINTH, specific the tree motif in the doors and murals, leaving DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK as another dull Hollywood clunker with schooled child performances and Guy Pierce turning up to hit the mark. Holmes does her squinty mouth worrying thing probably wondering where her part went.

Most odd of all why did the little girl who is meant to be Guy Pearce's daughter actually look like Holmes real daughter Suri?

It's a floppy for DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK I'm afraid.

Here's a picture of the lovely Mrs. Cruise anyway.

What's not at Frightfest?

As I prepare to leave for FILM 4 FRIGHTFEST in the morning I find myself pondering what films I'm not going to be seeing that I thought would be at Frightfest. This is NOT a negative Nelly post as there are plenty if treats in store and I'm willing to bet one film that I think'll be a stinker will end up being brilliant.

I'm suprised at LIVIDE not being at the fest. With the directors debut INSIDE being so embraced a few years ago i'd have thought it would have turned up this year. It is however showing at Midnight Madness at TIFF so maybe urns a contender for the Halloween all nighter.

11-11-11 Darren Lynn Bousmans Spanish lensed spookfest is tied into the titular release date so maybe it is not quite finished yet but I felt this was a sure in for Frightfest after his last MOTHERS DAY was well received at the Glasgow screening. I hop we get to see this in the UK on the proper date.

KNIGHTS OF BADASSDOM is simply not finished nor is REC 3 (hoping for a REC 3 and 4 double bill at Glasgow next year). Similarly I don't think THE TALL MAN is complete.

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2 was obviously pulled due to the BBFC refusing to give te work certification. More on that this weened from me...

There's no Asian horror this year at all. No Korean revengers, no Japanese splatterers but then these scenes are not at the forefront of horror ad they have been in past years.

THE THING is a glaring omission but who cares it looks like the same film re-made with dodgy accents.

RES STATE has run foul of Kevin Smiths eratoc and slightly paranoid behaviour which is such a shame because the Empire holds a bast complement of people who would love to see this film and would likely treat his presence with due reverence.

Anyway not to dwell on what is not to be it's time to look forward to five days of horror movies which will have its share of drinkers and future classiscs. I have a big hard on for Frightfest.

Something VILE for you

From that bit that tells you how people got to your blog I see someone was searching for the trailer for VILE. Sorry to disapoint but it's here now. this is at Frightfest. it looks a bit rubbish but you never know...

Underworld:Awakening not underwear arrousing

Looks like a return to business as usual for Screen Gems other no-brain action franchise. I can remember very little about the previous three, PVC suits and a big ship ring a bell, but at leasts Beckinsales back after her holiday from Part 3.

Interestingly Screen Gems have two female lead action horror series in RESIDENT EVIL and UNDERWORLD but stumble with the couple of Paul Bethany titles they've tried to get going.

Quarantine 2 Terminal (2011)

In the sequel to the remake writer and director John Pogue has abandoned the found footage style that has served the previous three films well. QUARANTINE 2 is shot in straight forward narrative fashion and progresses the American storyline that favours a super-virus over a supernatural cause for its crazed assailants. We are out of an apartment building and onto a aeroplane and an airport terminal with a mixed bunch of characters as panic and death sets in.

Straight forward and straight-to-DVD (again no UK Blu Ray) Q2:T doesn't forward the genre or the series/franchise but is a fairly passable entry in the crazed looney not zombies films of recent years. It is not a patch on REC 2 and I severely doubt we'll get to part 3 with the Quarantine off-shoot while the original Spanish movies rampage on to REC: GENESIS and REC: APOCALYPSE and hopefully the honour of being the greatest horror franchise ever.

I'll give Q2:T half a hard on. I'll also stop calling it Q2:T. And I proposed to the lead on Twitter. She said yes.

Happy Horror Hard On At World War Z

Glasgows George Sq has a very different set of traffic lights.











Anyone else been to the Greggs on !6th Street?

































































No one seemed to be paying attention to the banners overhead, a typical presence, but read them and you'll find yourself in Philidelphia.










































Can't find the GFT on here! How do I get to Frightfest?














Stunt car.







Chips!







Wouldn't take my First Week pass.





Oh no! I've heard their coverage is shit!
























Vistiors to the Corentian Club this weekend may find themselves standing for the national anthem. It will still be full of old slappers though.

Rise Of The Planet Apes (2011)

So I'm cheating, sue me. Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes is not horror. Nor were the preceding six movies but I like to stretch my genre parameters here at the Hard On. What you think i watch horror all the time.? I am a huge Planet Of The Apes fan but the trailer for this years obligatory franchise "reboot" left me a little cold. All I saw were action beats cribbed from I Robot.

Whether 20th Century Fox have deliberately played it well or not I cannot say but that trailer fails to show almost anything from the first hour and ten minutes it takes to build up to the third act summer blockbuster action fest finale.

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes is a brilliant piece of summer entertainment where director Rupert Wight and his writers, effects magicians and the incredible talented Andy Sirkas dare you to imagine that Christopher Nolan is not the only one who can deliver the big summer movie with smarts. The CGI on show is a tool not a toy expanding performances and lending the film adding layers of depth, emotion, character, it's a REAL movie made for a summer audience who could have imagined it?

Cleverly and unobtrusively laying down ground work for a sequel with a space mission sub plot so brief that if you blink you will miss it Fox, armed with next years Alien reboot/prequel/hybrid, are set to once more be king of the world whether it be a world of xenomorphs or a planet of apes.

Full on hard on and ejaculation for Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes. Go in Fox green light that sequel now!

Super 8 (2011)

Super 8 is a slice of Americana that non-Americans can enjoy through the filter of having seen movies set around a similar period. It is an attempt to do ET, THE GOONIES or THE EXPLORERS in a retro fashion but it cannot be these things. It is a period piece that references a continent to which I do not belong. It evokes memories of technology that did not grip Europe with the same fevour as it did the West. It is also 3 films, the Stand By Me wannabe, the alien invasion movie and the one that tries to jam these two pieces together.

For a film that relies on its young actors chemistry the story does not spend enough time with their characters nor does it let them develop. The periphery characters are reduced to being the kid that vomits and the kid that blows stuff up. There are no early scenes giving us an insight into this. Think THE GOONIES and how Data, Mouth, Chunk and Mikey are introduced with their relevant "skills" and attributes for the plot. The conclusive feel good scene for Super 8 falls down as our lead has had no interaction with the creature for it to have any meaning and resolutions seem tagged on and hurried. These are all simple structure points that any novice screenwriter will be able to recite to you verbatim. The feeling is the script that Abrahms wante to make was suffocated by the one the studio wanted him to make.

I did not hate Super 8 and now I can understand its European release delay as it's all about being a little kid in America in 1979/80. Which is still likely of minor interest to today's American 13/14 year olds also shown by the low box-office performance of JJ Abrams monster movie. I would point viewers toward Joe Johnstons brilliant October Sky if you want to see a copy of Speilbergburbia that feels like it has some weight behind it.

Half a hard on for Super 8.