Saw 3D

There comes a time when every man's mettle must be tested. This film, SAW 3D, is the hardest test for me as film "reviewer". As an impartial cinema watcher this film is utter shit! As a SAW fan this is an OK sequel ranked between II and VI but better served than V. if I'm true to myself as a fan this is a great film.

This is where I would put in a synopsis. It's SAW. There's people in traps. Continue below.

Most of the great horror franchise were played or playing out as I grew up as a film fan. This is truly the first I have lived through and with one entry a year for seven years can I really complain. SAW has gone batshit. Totally and irreversibly. If you're not onboard by now (I'd say IV is your jumping off point) then frankly, fuck off.

There's blood. There's carnage. There's nonsense. There's TV actors. There's a black guy with a "cool" hat. The 3D adds nothing. We all knew the doctor was a bad egg from the game. There's actors having no idea what is going on. It's mental. I slightly love it. I slightly hate it. It's SAW, it's unique, it'd better have a part 8!

Paranormal Activity 2

Last years PARANORMAL ACTIVITY was the little film that could. A $15,000 home made movie racked up nearly $200 million dollars in a repeat of the BLAIR WITCH found footage trick. Quick off the mark the $3 million studio produced sequel is with us less than a year later.

Focusing on a family unit, Dad, Mom, Step-daughter, new baby hunter and dog Abby PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2 hinges on the believability of its actors. Naturalistic and not Hollywood pretty people the family, despite their affluent surroundings, ingratiate themselves quickly as a normal everyday unit doing things you and I may do. It is not long before strange unnatural occurrences begin to disturb the everyday lives of these people and the father installs six CCTV cameras adding a new angle to the found-footage format of the film. Initially the disturbances are similar in nature to the original film, rattling pots, opening doors and some rte worth a giggle. Once the attacks ramp up a notch in the latter half of the film it is clear that PA2 has more to offer and becomes a fun scare ride. With elements from POLTERGIEST, THE ENTITY and REC it appears that the supernatural presence genre is about to take the horror crown from the torture porn king that has worn it for the last decade.

Creepier, cooler and better made than the original this is a rare occasion where a sequel can build on the premise of the original, expand the story and have us re-evaluating what we think we know already. It is a clever exercise in playing with audience expectations and turning them at the last minute. With PARANORMAL ACTIVITY:
TOKYO NIGHTS being released in Japan in December and no doubt debuting in western climes sooner rather than later with PA2s inevitable box office haul it looks like a new franchise has been born. Does it have the staying power of the mammoth SAW juggernaut? We'll have to wait and see. To next Halloween then.

Semi-erect.

Damned By Dawn

Horror from down under already has a good foundation with the likes of BAD TASTE and BRAINDEAD or Australias own RAZORBACK and ROAD GAMES and in recent years this has been built upon by WOLF CREEK, UNDEAD, BLACK SHEEP and THE LOVED ONES. Acclaimed as Australia's answer to THE EVIL DEAD prepare to be DAMNED BY DAWN in the years first (of two so far) shrieking banshee movies.

The eldest of the O'Neil family is on her last legs and as the family gather around in her final moments she tells the story of the weeping one who must not be disturbed as she calls for the dead to welcome the recently deceased into the next realm. When this does not go to plan a force of the undead is unleashed upon the O'Neil homestead.

What was charming about THE EVIL DEAD was that it was truly amateur hour executed by some talented individuals. The same rings true here for the genre consortium known as The Amazing Krypton Bros who have truly pulled off a labour of love and full on Evil Dead style fan film. Sure the CGI is ropey but that is part of this films charm just like Sam Raimi's slapstick violence and stop motion effects were so beguiling of his. At times I was reminded of what Mike Mendez did with THE GRAVEDANCERS or Ti West's THE ROOST which are great Halloween fun shows rather than outright scarers and i only hope that these guys can continue to deliver the horror goodies in style.

A good happy horror hard on.

The Tortured

After the abduction and murder of their young son a young couple, played by Metcalfe and Christensen, hatch a plan for revenge. They will abduct their sons killer and utilising the fathers skills as a doctor keep the killer alive for as long as possible while inflicting bodily harm and medically aided torture on their prisoner.

When you stamp "from the producers of SAW" on a film you, as the distributor, are hoping to attract an audience who has helped a movie series shot on a low budget into the hundreds of millions in box office receipts. You are also inviting an audience who are trained and looking for your torture porn movies twist. And when that twist telegraphs itself very early on you are dead in the water. Maybe that is why the Twisted Pictures produced THE TORTURED has been sitting about on a shelf since 2007 and I suspect underwent some re-shoots by SAW maestro Darren Lynn Bousman who is thanked in the credits.

Conceit wise THE TORTURED does have a new take on torture porn, the good guys are torturing the bad guy, but the writer, director(s) and producer just couldn't find a way to execute it effectively. Shame as I'd like to see Twisted Pictures get a life outside of the SAW franchise but hopefully they have more horror treats to come.

Floppy and flaccid.

The Collector

After winning Project Greenlight 3 and having their script, FEAST produced by Dimension Films screen writing duo Patrick Felton and Marcus Dunst quickly became the go to guys for horror features jumping on to the SAW franchise steam train as well as finishing their own FEAST trilogy and doctoring scripts for the likes of MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D. Dunst makes a move into the directors chair for THE COLLECTOR.

Looking to score an expensive jewel and settle his estranged wife's loan shark debt Arkin (Josh Stewart) breaks into the home of the family where he has been carrying out construction work. Already in the house is a masked man who has tied the family up in various improvised torture chambers and rigged the house with an assortment of booby-traps. Arkin is caught in a deadly game of cat and mouse against the masked man and his contraptions.

The script was conceived during Dunst and Felton's pitch for the SAW series as a proposed prequel, a few adjustments later and it became MIDNIGHT MAN and latterly THE COLLECTOR. The trap orientated plot will certainly be familiar to fans of the work of John "Jigsaw" Kramer but this film is a lot meaner, if that is possible, and is unforgiving to its characters. Dunst's direction takes a startling lead from giallo slashers with contrasting colours and outright brutal violence. The traps idea may be a little contrived and stretch believability but this is entertainment, not true life and as a result this is a thrilling and gritty movie, a refreshing, vitalizing jolt to the torture/home invasion sub-genre and the best to come from US shores for many a year. It practically screams for a sequel but that is an inherant factor of the horror plot; evil going unpunished, and Felton and Dunst have already spoken on various internet interviews of taking THE COLLECTOR in an intriguing action orientated direction.

The movie has been crippled by distribution problems once the Weinstein's were unable to provide proper support so it has got a little lost in the shuffle, seek it out in a DVD store now.

Total hard on and ejaculation!

Rec 2

REC was 2008s outstanding horror feature utilising the point-of-view voyeur camera techniques that have been applied in other movies since such as DIARY OF THE DEAD or CLOVERFIELD. The story was told in real time with minimal edits and a largely improvised and naturalistic performance lending a scary true to life feel to what essential boils down to a zombie film. It was a delight at Frightfest Glasgow 2008 and as promised by co-directors Jaume Balaguero and Paco Plaza are back with REC 2.

The film tail ends its predecessor almost immediately following a SWAT team with helmet mounted cameras being led into the building by representative from the Ministry Of Health after losing contact with their doctor who entered the building an hour or so before. We follow the group as they uncover the aftermath of the original movie and meet a few familiar faces in the form of the crazy infected residents. The team soon find themselves in similar dire circumstances as those of the originals cast but this time the story adds even more emphasis on the supernatural aspects further distancing itself from the contrived American remake QUARANTINE. The addition of a group of young kids who sneak into the building under the quarantine cordon adds a new angle for both camera and story until the return of Angela and a twist on the night vision finale.

Keeping very much to the same formula allows REC and REC 2 to be viewed as one continuous piece. For the sequel the action is heightened, the mystery is deepened and one of the most original and frightening horrors of the last decade has set itself up to be a continual series. Balaguero is set to direct FLATMATE while Plaza is still circling his project CIRCUS before moving onto a third entry. We await REC 3 with much anticipation.

Erection and ejaculation!

Basement

Oh look they've reused the set from THE HOLE that could be cool. Or not as it happens.

When some anti-war protestors stop for a pee they stumble upon an underground bunker and get locked in. Three minutes layer they're shouting about never getting out of here while walking incredibly slowly to get out all their exposition while walking through a very small, limited set that is opposed to be maze. Shambles heaps upon shambles as we leap from disjointed scene to disjointed scene that seems like a bunch of monkeys have written in their own shit.

If it wasn't for British horrors like 28 DAYS LATER or THE DESCENT you would be forgiven for thinking Britain cannot make horror films to save themselves. It certainly seems like the writers, director and producers of BASEMENT can't. While it is well photographed, which is usually where low budget movies loose out the "script" is an incoherent jumble, or perhaps it is the edit and editor that is at fault. Whichever the film is directionless, the acting wooden and forced so the director is certainly to blame as are the producers for finding money for this utter waste of time. I can only say this is the worst horror film I have ever seen and I have watched Uwe Bolls genre fallacies.

This movie is so utterly atrocious I've shrivelled up and ingested myself.

Dead Cert

Craig (CLIFFHANGER) Fairbass is the lead in this gangsters meet vampires Brit flick in a substrate of horror that is fast becoming "High Street Horror" taking up residence at your local supermarket.

Fairbass plays the preposterously named Freddie Franken (my spellcheck just suggested Frankenstein there) who no sooner has achieved his dream of opening a strip club than he's lost it in an underground fighting bet. To a bunch of Romanians. Who are vampires. Led by Billy (DOGHOUSE) Murray and other British soap actors. Eventually, really, really eventually, they all scuffle, not really fight, it's all more of a struggle.

The production of DEAD CERT is very much a jobs for the boys number, nearly every key actor is a producer or executive producer on this show. The aligning of the gangster and vampire genre will not please fans of either being a half-baked cut and paste retread of the simplest of themes from both. Watching the trailer would lead you to believe there's a British FROM DUSK 'TIL DAWN waiting for you instead of the tame episode of Footballers Wives with Halloween fangs that you get. There's some pretty women on display but even the stripper characters remain clothed, where's the sex that used to ooze of of British horror in the Hammer heydays?

Shot in mostly master shots with a couple of poorly advised "name" cameos DEAD CERT is dead rotten ( I hope I haven't inspired the sequel there!) and a load of "soppy bollocks" though more of a silly film than actual outright bad. Floppy.

ZMD: Zombies Of Mass Destruction

In a small island community in the United States Of America a pretty young Iranian girl struggles against her fathers preconceptions of what her life should be and the locals misconceptions that she is from the other Middle Eastern country to begin with an I. There's also a gay couple, one a townie returning to come out to his family and his partner who is already way, way out there. Thrown into this backwards slice of America is the minor problem of an invasion of the walking dead.

When you have a horror film called ZOMBIES OF MASS DESTRUCTION you know you're getting comedy but you're also expecting a bit of flesh munching undead action but just like the films namesake mass destruction is no where to be found. Instead we're holed up in a community church where the local preacher tries to straighten outnumber the gay characters and the "local yokels" mix up Iran and Iraq in a ham-fisted social commentary. The digital photography looks like it's been washed in a dirty bath and needs a good colour correction to brighten it up a fair bit. Overall the problems lie in the execution of the script, both the production and the acting let down what could have been a fair comedy.

In the end the movie is as dull and lifeless as a corpse and as flaccid and floppy as my horror movie hard OFF.

Night Of The Demons

Angela is having a party...again. Where you there the first three times that demons were unleashed on unsuspecting teens on Halloween night? If so you might be interested to know that Adam (AUTOPSY) Giersch is returning to the popular franchise to resurrect the Demon House once more.

As a remake of one of the more obscure horror titles of the 80s your knowledge of the genre is really put to the test as to how much you know about the original three movies. As video shelf horror and late night cable filler the original trio has gathered a cult following and it mostly to this following that the reworking of NIGHT OF THE DEMONS will appeal most. It is not a film out to set the world to rights but instead is interested in painting the screen red and partying like this will be the last Halloween ever.

Character and plot begone. Exposed midriffs, punk rock and vaginal secretions are the order of the day. And while it sure looks pretty this reviewer would have liked to have seen the pus and ooze go further, the FEAST trilogy has already set the standard for squirting grue, and some of the kills could push the boundaries a bit more. The movie works best when it's having fun such as Shannon Elizabeth as the gothic temptress Angela slow dance seducing another female to the strains of Type O Negative and the Drac FX team turn in a interesting catalogue of demons.

Hampered by silly exposition but saved by not taking itself seriously NIGHT OF THE DEMONS is a reminder of when horror can be fun when played like an over the top Halloween funhouse.

Semi-erect

Cherry Tree Lane

Paul Andrew Williams follows up his tongue in cheek horror THE COTTAGE with a more sober affair the stark and harrowing, despite its name, CHERRY TREE LANE.

Fast being dubbed "hoodie horror" with the likes of EDEN LAKE and F before it CHERRY TREE LANE is a home invasion movie in which a gang of three South London "yoofs" come calling at a house on the titular street looking for revenge against the son of the ordinary unassuming couple that are found at home. For just over the next hour we wait uncomfortably for the return of son Sebastian as the gang members grow increasingly restless in their quest to sate their blood lust. Frustrated and impotent against the bickering teens tension mounts as we get closer and closer to the moment of Sebastian's return and the couple are subjected to an increasing catalogue of crimes.

Williams himself has said the idea came out of a fallback plan, should his filmmaking career hit the skids he would have a story that could be done simply in and around his own house. I certainly hope Williams career has not achieved such a low point as he is really beginning to show promise as a great British director. CHERRY TREE LANE is a simple premise that lives comfortably in the horror/thriller genre with other sparse and suspenseful cinema greats. It is a film that gnaws on your nerves avoiding splatter and blood shed instead favouring the suggestion and anticipation of terror.

Full on hard on.