Underworld Awakening

Screen Gems other husband and wife franchise returned to our screens this weekend in full on 3D and re-vamped (i'm sorry, really I'm sorry) to take the series in a new direction under the guidance of Mårlind and Stein, the Swedish directors of STORM (2005) and SHELTER (2009).

Kate Beckinsale returns to her goth fetish role after an absence from the third series entry as the Death Dealer Selene which finds her waking up 12 years after her capture to a world fully awakened to the existence of vampires and werewolves where ethnic cleansing known as The Purge has rid humanity of all but a few pockets supernatural beings. Smashinh her way out of incarceration Selene finds she has a daughter, a hybrid being similar to her father Michael Corvin and spends most of the film trying to exert an emotional link to the child. It doesn't work.

UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING shows promise for about four or five minites and then the whole thing collapses with the appearance of a terrible Scott Speedman doppelgänger and from there in it a myriad mix of crash, smash broken CGI windows, wirework martial arts that is not only cribbed from THE MATRIX but also the RESIDENT EVIL series and monsters borrowed from the last appalling MUMMY movie. There's also a ten minute game of "Is that Chris Martin?" and pointless bored performances from Charles Dance, Stephen Rea and the bloke that was the tour rep in THE INBETWEENERS MOVIE.

It will take some going for a film to be as bad as UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING this year but it is still January and there are plenty of disinterested franchises queuing up to take out money. I wonder if any of ten will make me feel genuinely embareased for paying for them like this one has.

1/5

Happy Hard On New Year

Is anyone reading this?

Rogue River (2011) Frightfest Review

Torture and kidnap movies are a slowly waining sub-genre in the the current horror trends as we see a swing toward more supernatural flicks. There are still a fair few of them to be released from the indie circuit and ROGUE RIVER is one of these. A young woman sets off to scatter her fathers ashes and meets an unsavoury couple at the titular river. A simple premise and set up though there are a few nasty surprises along the way.

I do not think it is a spoiler to tell you that Bill Mosely is the bad guy in this piece nor do I think it was the film makers intention to hide that from you. Rather the journey from nice guy to psychopath is a newer path for Mosely, he's not an outright psycho from the get go for once, and ROGUE RIVER is not one of those movies out to re-write the rules of horror but one of those that shows you can still deliver a solid entertaining movie within the confines of expectation and you can play about with those confines a little to. Where I was expecting a bit of a dud I got a nice suprise from ROGUE RIVER at Frightfest where it was good to see most negative expectations overturned to a fairly positive response. It was nice to see a couple of psychos inhabit a clean and normal abode rather than a busted old farm house covere in skulls and skin lanterns.

ROGUE RIVER has a thoroughly nasty streak that I think deserves to be celebrated by more horror folks than have been giving this little indie love. I'm happy enough with half a hard on for this solid and a little depraved tale.

The Theatre Bizarre (2011) Frightfest Review

The combined forces of some of horrors more obscure directors should have guaranteed that THE THEATRE BIZARRE be something special and while it is certainly something unique and lives up to the promise of the bizarre part of it's title.

A welcome return to the screen by Richard Stanley is marred by a Doctor Who rubber monster and a variation on "The Hook" from American urban folklore. Karim Hussain does his best to disgust with a woman injecting other peoples eyeball fluid into her own but this pales compared to the directors SUBCONCIOUS CRUELTY and then closer SWEETS is a bright technicolour candyfloss nightmare. It's all a bit odd and a bit off and never gets into the groove of being a cohesive anthology as promised.

Spotty at best and bonkers at worst THE THEATRE BIZARRE is a floppy for Happy Horror Hard On.

Final Destination 5 (2011) Frightfest Review

It's popcorn carnage time as a group of no-name teen actors are trooped out once more to dice with death and the only way to survive is if they can only figure out the design in time.

Every FD film begins with a set piece and at last we get to see the bridge collapse that was planned and rejected for Part 4. It's a hell of a step up from the weak Indie Car escapade as people and vehicles fly off into the water and then we move swiftly on to each of their individual deaths. A new element has been factored in by writer Eric Hessiner and director Steven Quayle; if you kill someone then Death will skip you.

If you want character arcs, storyline and all the usual expectations for a developed and engaging film then don't buy a ticket for New Line Cinemas fifth entry in the teenage body count series. This is the noughties (and beyond) version of the ELM STREET sequels of the FRIDAY THE 13TH series. It has all become a bit of a joke but it's a bloody fun one as modern effects let's the creaters invent preposterously elaborate death sequences and for once most of them are not water based.

Full on hard on for FINAL DESTINATION 5.

Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark (2011) Frightfest Review

Ushered into existence by executive producer and co-writer Guillermo Del Toro the remake of DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK comes from an thirteen year old script that appears to be aimed at thirteen year olds.

Sally comes to stay with her Daddy Guy Pierce who is renovating what looks like the Disney HAUNTED MANSION ride, a colossal soundstage set house where you could stage an entire performance of THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA in the hall complete with audience and prop chandelier. Daddy also has a new girlfriend in Katie (she'll always be lovely Joey from Dawson's Creek to me) whom little Sally doesn't like but who is the only person to believe the girl when she starts seeing little spruces running out of the air ducts and murdering the house staff.

The story is mostly a predictable lump with dull first and second acts and reLly only coming into it's own in the final third of the film. Based on an hour long made for TV special there is a bit of padding out of the run time. Unfortunately Del Toro has already scavenged this script for his Tooth Fairies in HELLBOY 2 and parts of PAN'S LABYRINTH, specific the tree motif in the doors and murals, leaving DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK as another dull Hollywood clunker with schooled child performances and Guy Pierce turning up to hit the mark. Holmes does her squinty mouth worrying thing probably wondering where her part went.

Most odd of all why did the little girl who is meant to be Guy Pearce's daughter actually look like Holmes real daughter Suri?

It's a floppy for DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK I'm afraid.

Here's a picture of the lovely Mrs. Cruise anyway.

What's not at Frightfest?

As I prepare to leave for FILM 4 FRIGHTFEST in the morning I find myself pondering what films I'm not going to be seeing that I thought would be at Frightfest. This is NOT a negative Nelly post as there are plenty if treats in store and I'm willing to bet one film that I think'll be a stinker will end up being brilliant.

I'm suprised at LIVIDE not being at the fest. With the directors debut INSIDE being so embraced a few years ago i'd have thought it would have turned up this year. It is however showing at Midnight Madness at TIFF so maybe urns a contender for the Halloween all nighter.

11-11-11 Darren Lynn Bousmans Spanish lensed spookfest is tied into the titular release date so maybe it is not quite finished yet but I felt this was a sure in for Frightfest after his last MOTHERS DAY was well received at the Glasgow screening. I hop we get to see this in the UK on the proper date.

KNIGHTS OF BADASSDOM is simply not finished nor is REC 3 (hoping for a REC 3 and 4 double bill at Glasgow next year). Similarly I don't think THE TALL MAN is complete.

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2 was obviously pulled due to the BBFC refusing to give te work certification. More on that this weened from me...

There's no Asian horror this year at all. No Korean revengers, no Japanese splatterers but then these scenes are not at the forefront of horror ad they have been in past years.

THE THING is a glaring omission but who cares it looks like the same film re-made with dodgy accents.

RES STATE has run foul of Kevin Smiths eratoc and slightly paranoid behaviour which is such a shame because the Empire holds a bast complement of people who would love to see this film and would likely treat his presence with due reverence.

Anyway not to dwell on what is not to be it's time to look forward to five days of horror movies which will have its share of drinkers and future classiscs. I have a big hard on for Frightfest.